My Butterfly's Journey

What is the real definition of fine? Is fine saying that one is good and don't worry or that one is hurting but does not know how to speak up? For me it was the latter, when I fell into a deep depression and was not eating what I knew I needed to, I hid it. Not only was I ashamed but I was confused. Growing up I had always been a princess in my own little perfect world. I did not know that there were people in the world that wanted to hurt others. Yes, I do remember 9/11, yes I did know that there were “bad” people, but I thought I was protected from them. I thought I would never have encountered pain as much as I did. I never thought I would look behind me everywhere I went. I do not believe any child thinks about being hurt. But I know too well that the world is not perfect in any sense of the word. I grew up in the world of school shootings, terror attacks, and other mass killings. I do not remember Columbine, but I do remember having to do lockdown drills all the time. My...

Oh, thanksgiving. Before I got sick, I loved thanksgiving, the green beans, turkey dressing everything. From the baking and helping my momma in the kitchen to making the table as beautiful as I could I felt on top of the world.             Then I got sick. Then I had to face my worst nightmare; a plate filled to the edges family gathered around me feeling as though all the eyes were on me. They were not.  When Thanksgiving arrived that year, I thought no one knew no one other than my boyfriend. I felt that no one noticed that I am disappearing before their eyes. I hated it. The worst feeling in the world is one where you have your biggest fear in front of you and having to deal with it, cover it up, stay strong, yet wanting to run away.             Last Thanksgiving, the thanksgiving after treatment, from what I can remember I was okay. In the relative ...

Monday, November 20 th , 2017 Hello all!             I have been reticent in the last year or so because of the ever-changing world around me. Since the last time I have posted I lost jobs gotten new jobs, changed careers, went back to school and have moved twice. Gosh, I am tired of even thinking about everything that I have changed. I am now a stay at home nanny which although is the best job in the world I get quite bored. I am getting my degree in elementary education and special needs. I cannot wait to get my career started and make a difference in this world of ours. I am now a full-blown adult living with my wonderful boyfriend and dog-son. But most importantly I have stayed in recovery. I have had significant slips where my treatment team was about to put me back into treatment. I am so scared and angry. Angry at myself. I had been down that road once and not only did I not have the means to go back I did not want t...