Change

            Change can be terrifying. Change can be liberating. But above all change can be magical. Over the past six months, my life has done a one-eighty. Even in the past month, a lot has changed. Not only have a discovered my career goals and purpose, but I have prospected a number of hobbies and have found my passion. Ever since I was a young teenager, I have always explored yoga as a way to gain strength and flexibility for ballet. Throughout my recovery, I found that yoga was not only treatment team approved, but an idea of allowing my body to heal and my body work for me not against me. Now I realize that yoga has been around for hundreds of thousands of years. As well as, everyone and their brother have written about yoga. Trust me I understand that reading all about yoga is getting old. But this post is NOT about yoga and why you should or should not practice. This is about what the community and lifestyle have changed my mindset and opened my eyes.

            The transformation of my mind has been the most liberating experience. No longer is my mind a source of pain for me, which it has been for years. My mind is free and humble. Allowing myself to surround myself with the people of my tribe I feel as though I have found a piece of myself that has been missing for so long. These people have the same core values and beliefs that I try to live by in my new life. No longer do I look behind me and see a sorrowful world that is broken and bleeding. I see a world that although is sadden by loss it is also beautiful. A few mantras that have stuck with me in the past month are: may I live like a lotus in muddy waters, and I survived because the fire in me was brighter than the fire around me. These have had an immense impact on the way I look at my past. I have been handed all these events because I could handle and persevered through the pain.  These beautiful people in my life have encouraged me when things have gotten wrong. They have pushed me through my mental and physical weaknesses. They have given me tough love that snapped me out of a dark place. My tribe has been my rock.  I receive comments about how beautiful yet straightforward my tattoo is. My tattoo is a symbol of my past, the lesson I have learned and the fascinating world the future holds. Looking from the outside my life seemed perfect and beautiful, yet I only saw the ugly in it. Now I see the beauty in my life. Yes! My life is far from perfect but that is what makes it beautiful. I have bad days where nothing seems to be working for me, my coffee spills on my white blouse, and no one is on my side. But I allow myself to feel the pain and sorrow. But even more important I allowed myself to feel then see the light.

            My physical strength has been tested over the past six months. While I was sick I lost a lot of the strength I had gained with ballet. I could not keep up with my nanny kiddos running around and playing. Only practicing once a week my body has allowed me to fly. I have been able to perform tricks that I once dreamt about. I have regained the muscle definition I had I high school. I no longer have to have someone lift or open things for me. One of the biggest wake up calls I had when I was sick was that I was asked to use a deli slicer. This was after I had my knives taken for my safety. I was physically unable to have the amount of pressure needed in order to cut the meat. I was so ashamed. I felt useless and broken. As I stood there and quietly sobbing trying to hide my tears and shame, I knew I was sick and slowly killing myself. Now I look at myself and I am proud. I am proud that this body that I once hated I now feel how powerful I am. One of the most magical moments was about two months into my journey and I looked into the mirror. The piece of glass that once taunted me and my self-worth. When I looked at the reflection staring back at me and I smiled. I smiled and cried tears of joy because I finally saw what everyone has been telling me for years. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am powerful. I now look at parts of my body I wanted to change with these fresh eyes. My thighs give me the power to fly. My stomach carries my heart. My chest allows me to allow my light and soul shine. My arms can allow me to move and hold myself like never before. My face allows my wisdom and grace flow.

            The change my mind and body have endured is little compared to the change in my soul. My soul has been lifted and freed. I can find my purpose and can add to other light, just like my tribe has done for me. They have allowed me to come out of my shell and fly.  I no longer put up walls around new people. My soul has opened to a new world. In this world, I am no longer alone. I have grown closer to my family and my tribe. My new world has not only allowed me to open up myself and experience who I am but the world around me. I began a new job that changed everything that I thought about low income. My students are amazing. They have filled my heart with so much love and happiness. The last day of school I cried when I left the school. I cried because of the amount of strength and wisdom I had gained. My students made an imprint on me that will always be there.